


the last time

by libraryphiliac



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicide, also i don't observe proper capitalisation so if that peeves you this ain't for you, and it quickly devolved into 1k+ words of. jesus i don't even know what this is., it feels heavy TO ME and it's like i can't breathe properly why did i write this, oh yeah:, this is so heavy i swear i mean, this was for an ask meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-08 23:45:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1960776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libraryphiliac/pseuds/libraryphiliac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>bucky wakes, gasping for air as he claws his way through another dream about steve, and ice, and the wind rushing through his hair as he falls, or drowns, through a sea of blood. not for the first time, he wrenches himself awake from images and scenarios that leave his mouth dry and his heart thundering and his blood rushing in his ears. bucky groans and rolls over, curling up around his stomach and flinging a pillow over his head as he fights down the urge to scream, or maybe vomit.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	the last time

**Author's Note:**

> ask meme: "stucky- "Please, I just... really need space right now." [[x](http://bvckysbarnes.co.vu/post/91844630455/stucky-please-i-just-really-need-space-right-now)]

bucky wakes, gasping for air as he claws his way through another dream about steve, and ice, and the wind rushing through his hair as he falls, or drowns, through a sea of blood. not for the first time, he wrenches himself awake from images and scenarios that leave his mouth dry and his heart thundering and his blood rushing in his ears. bucky groans and rolls over, curling up around his stomach and flinging a pillow over his head as he fights down the urge to scream, or maybe vomit.

there’s a knock on the door, followed by a quiet “bucky? you okay?” when he doesn’t answer, he hears a muffled sigh, and the door clicks open and lets steve in.

"bucky?"

quiet, shuffling footsteps towards the bed, and bucky feels his lower body sink as the mattress dips to allow steve’s weight.

"bucky. talk to me." gentle, but firm, insistent.

bucky throws the pillow toward steve’s voice, growling in frustration as he sits up. he knows he looks wild, with his wide, bloodshot eyes and his bared teeth and tangled hair he never bothers to cut, or brush. he wonders what steve will do if he gives in to the urge to fall back into his programming and kill him. probably get the knife bucky knows steve knows is on his person at all times and give it to bucky himself, handle pointed towards him. bucky snorts, a bitter sound, and he gets up and stalks toward the corner farthest away from steve. _  
_

"please, bucky. what is it? did you have a bad dream?" steve says, softer this time, pleading, his eyes full of nothing but _concern_  and  _care_  and something that looks deeper and  _not for him_ and–

"jesus  _fuck,_ rogers,” he bites out as viciously as he can. steve doesn’t flinch, but he closes his eyes briefly, as if praying for strength, and bucky snaps. he sees red. “ _fuck off and leave me the fuck alone._ " he says as coldly, as menacingly as he can, letting a bit of the Soldier bleed through his words and his stance.

steve’s eyes open, and he stands too, hands raised with his palms facing bucky, trying to be as placating, as  _peaceful_  as he can be, and that’s what pushes bucky off the edge, his rage melting into the icy non-feeling of the Soldier and placing the Soldier in charge. he grips his metal hand into a fist and lunges forward, his flesh hand spinning the knife he hides on his body and only then does steve rogers move to stop him. but he keeps on talking, even as he dodges the Soldier’s punches, kicks and the knife whistling a deadly song in the air.

"bucky, this isn’t you, you need to stop, you need to take control and snap out of it, you broke through your programming once, you can do it again, please, buck, you’ve gotta fight it, come on, bucky…"

the moment the knife hits the Soldier’s target and slashes through steve’s arm, the moment he sees the red liquid pulse thickly out of the wound, the moment the hiss of pain escapes through steve’s gritted teeth, bucky barnes breaks through.

"oh my god," he breathes. it feels like an entire lifetime had passed between his nightmare and…  _this._  “oh my god,” he repeats, weaker, shakier, and he stumbles back, away from steve, dropping the knife with a loud clatter. his back hits the wall and he slides down, hands reaching up to grip his head. “no, no, no no no no…”

"bucky,  _bucky_ , look at me, buck, it’s okay,” he hears steve say, faintly, as if from a long distance. he can’t. all he can see is the pain on steve’s face, the red on the blade, knowing that  _he_  caused it, he’s hurt steve  _again_ , it doesn’t matter if you were  _angry_ , you gave  _in_ , you were weak, you were  _him_  again, no no no no no…

"bucky!" steve shouts urgently, and dimly he hears the panic starting to grow in his voice. his world is shaking. steve is rattling him by the shoulders.

suddenly, bucky’s head is clear as day. he knows what he has to do. he stops trembling, hands as steady as they’ve ever been. sniper’s hands. 

"steve," he says, voice clear. "steve, it’s me again. i’m so sorry."

steve, who has dropped to his knees, almost falls over himself in relief. bucky raises his arms, wraps them around steve’s shoulders, and pretends he doesn’t feel steve flinch slightly at the cold bite of the metal on his flesh. “it’s okay, bucky, i know it wasn’t you, it’s okay, i’m fine, look, the bleeding’s stopped already…”

"steve," he says again, cutting through the babbling words of relief that’s rushing through steve’s mouth. "i need you to do something."

"anything," steve replies immediately, his face still on bucky’s shoulder, still boneless with relief at having his friend back. 

"it’s nothing, really. just. i need you to, to go away for tonight," bucky says, glad that steve can’t see his face.

steve finally pulls back, brows furrowed, and bucky quickly schools his expression. “but sam says you shouldn’t be left alone…”

"please. i just… really need space right now."

steve kneels back up, and bucky leans his head on the wall and looks up at steve. “do you. do you really want to be alone right now?”

"yes, i do," bucky says, smiling a bit bitterly. if steve notices, he doesn’t comment on it.

steve nods, once, sharply, and stands up. “okay. i’ll. i’ll crash at sam’s for tonight. he’ll understand. you, you call me, okay? if you need anything?”

bucky’s smile morphs into a genuine one. “yes, i will. thank you for understanding.”

"okay." steve shuffles a bit from foot to foot, seeming unsure of himself. finally he lets out a breath in a huff. "you sure you’re gonna be okay, buck?" he asks, gentler, softer.

bucky’s face almost crumples, but he manages to hold it together. “i’m sure, steve. have fun at sam’s.” bucky’s smile is a bit wobbly now, but it holds.

"okay. take care, buck."

"you too, steve."

steve leaves the room, sidestepping the knife, closing the door with a quiet click. bucky listens to the sounds of steve packing an overnight bag in the room adjacent to his, still sitting on the floor, still leaning his head on the wall.

when steve finally drives away on his bike, bucky stands. he walks calmly towards where the knife had fallen, picks it up and handles it carefully. he takes the phone stark had given him when steve had finally introduced him to all his friends and goes back to the corner, sits down again, legs pulled up, cradling the knife in his metal hand and the phone in the other. he sets up a message system that’s meant to send a voicemail on a certain time, sets it up to send the one he’s going to make to steve sometime during the morning, all the while spinning the knife gently around his fingers, the metal-against-metal sound soothing to him.

when he finishes the message, he smiles one last time, cries one last time for the tragedy that is his life, and thanks his lucky stars he got to meet steve, again and again, the one bright spot in his entire existence. then he takes the knife, points the tip toward the area of his abdomen, and pushes.

——

later that morning, steve bursts into his room and screams, the message from bucky playing in his ears like a death bell ringing.

_i’m sorry, steve. i can’t keep on hurting you anymore. last night was the last time. i will never hurt you again. i promise._

_i love you._

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry i'm pretty sure that ending was unprecedented and _completely_ unnecessary but the idea got into my head halfway as i was writing this.
> 
> here's my [tumblr](http://bvckysbarnes.co.vu) please yell at me


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